The Side Check- Day 17- June R&R

As I continue reading through The Call, I find myself thinking about something that has probably caused more discouragement, frustration, envy, pride, and unhappiness than we care to admit.

When we were in high school, we called it 'Side Check"- and it mostly happened in the weight room- technically, it is checking out your biceps in a mirror- but it became more as that look at yourself in the mirror for that validation that manhood was definitely becoming real.

now- here is the kicker- when we 'caught' someone doing a side check- looking at their biceps- we ripped them. One of our fiends was so bad about always looking at himself in the mirror- we called him 'side-check'- yes- high school can be so cruel!

The 'side check' seems harmless enough. In fact, it often happens so naturally that we don't even notice it. But over time, it can quietly steal both our contentment and our focus. It is a combination of self comparison, others comparison, and a fight to be as high as we can on the pecking order in life.

One of the things I have observed in schools, churches, athletic programs, and organizations over the years is that most conflict is not caused by major philosophical disagreements. Most of the time it begins with people really needed to be validated... noticed... recognized- and we are wanting it TOO much and we give it out TOO little or we give it out with the wrong standards of validation.

Years ago I received two phone calls within about twenty minutes of each other.

The first coach called and informed me that he was prepared to resign unless I immediately dismissed another coach on the staff. I listened carefully and tried to understand the problem. When we finally got to the bottom of it, there really wasn't a major issue beyond the fact that he simply felt disrespected and his ideas were never considered.

About five minutes after hanging up, the second coach called.

He wanted me to fire the first coach. At that point I knew we had a problem.

As I listened to both men, it became obvious that this wasn't really about football. We want to be not only accepted but respected. No one wants to be ignored.

It was about two people who had become focused on each other instead of the mission.

I got them together and we ‘made it’ through a tension filled season. Only to see both of them go after that, but at least it gave me time to find adequate help in a more reasonable time table.

That seems to happen more often than we realize.

The older I get, the more convinced I become that self absorption is one of the great enemies of calling. The moment I become preoccupied with how elevated I am among my peers, I usually lose sight of what we are trying to accomplish. It is slightly different than selfishness... it is more subtle and deeper. If I don't matter to you than I am not going to work with you.

Now this cuts both ways, we can go around a room a size everyone up and we value those we esteem and could not care less about those 'below' us. It is part of our default nature- higher order thinking- compare and contrast- but it is a gateway to hurt and sin.

C.S. Lewis touches on this idea in a way that may be different in his intention. In God in the Dock, he describes a cantankerous old woman who is a Christian and compares her to a pleasant and likeable man who is not. Lewis points out that we really have no way of knowing what raw materials God started with in either life. The woman may be far more transformed than we realize. The pleasant fellow may be much less transformed than he appears.

We do not know enough to make the comparisons we constantly make. We should esteem everyone made in the image of God and what GOD says about someone is more important than what we think AND what He says about ME is more important than what I think.

As a young girl, missionary Amy Carmichael desperately wanted blue eyes. She prayed again and again, asking God to change her brown eyes, but the answer always seemed to be no. Years later, while serving in India and rescuing children from dangerous situations, Amy often dressed like the local people to avoid drawing attention to herself. She then realized that her brown eyes helped her blend in, while blue eyes would have made her stand out immediately. Looking back, she understood that God had answered her childhood prayer in a better way than she could have imagined. What seemed like an unanswered prayer was actually part of God's preparation for the work He had planned for her life.

And yet we build entire narratives based on incomplete information.

Social media has only amplified this problem. We are constantly exposed to carefully selected highlights from other people's lives. Vacations, promotions, achievements, celebrations, and successes stream across our screens every day. If we are not careful, we begin evaluating our ordinary Tuesday against someone else's highlight reel.

That never ends well- the 'side check' can create two opposite problems.

Sometimes we look sideways and become envious.

Sometimes we look sideways and become prideful.

Neither response is healthy. Both pull us away from gratitude and contentment.

and it totally confuses calling- our mission is only about ME.

One of my favorite moments in the Gospel of John occurs after Jesus restores Peter. After speaking to Peter about his future, Peter immediately points toward John and asks:

"Lord, what about this man?"

I love Jesus' answer.

In modern language, it essentially amounts to:

"What is that to you? You follow me."

God has never asked me to manage someone else's calling. He has asked me to be faithful with what He has entrusted to me. And His request- We Love Him and we Love others.

As part of this June Tune-Up, it may be worth asking where the side check has crept into our thinking.

Perhaps one of the healthiest spiritual disciplines is simply learning to keep our eyes on Christ and our hands on the work He has given us to do. Esteem others and let God validate us.

1 Peter 5:6- Humble yourselves under God's strong hand, and in his own good time he will lift you up.

I used to think that meant we would finally get 'recognition' and now I don't believe that. He will lift us up to keep working in anonymity. And we don't care, because all we need to hear is his encouragement.

Starting tomorrow, Os Guinness takes a dramatic turn in “The Call” where he begins outlining the 7 Deadly Sins and how they can up-end or confuse calling… I remember when I first read the book how stunning it was to read starting with Chapter 14. What had been a pretty interesting read up to that point, became elevated to years of interaction and memories…. Here we go!