This summer I will turn 62 years old, and that means I have now been walking with Christ for approximately 47 years. Honestly, the longer I live, the more I understand Kierkegaard’s observation from Chapter 6 of The Call: “Life is lived forward but understood backward.”
That feels more true to me now than it did when I first read it years ago.
There are moments in life that do not seem especially clear while you are living them, but years later you realize they changed everything.
For me, one of those moments happened when I was a junior in high school.
A friend of ours had died tragically, and a group of us had gathered to meet with a pastor who was trying to help a bunch of hurting and confused teenagers process what had happened. I do not remember much about the meeting itself anymore, but I do remember leaving there unsettled.
The truth is, even though I had grown up around church, had walked an aisle, and had even been baptized, I was not really walking with God at all during that period of my life. I lived pretty independently and mostly did what I wanted to do. Looking back, I probably thought of Christianity more as part of my background than the defining reality of my life.
That night something changed.
I remember walking outside afterward and one of my friends came looking for me. We stood out on a dark street talking for a while, and he shared the gospel with me again. I had heard those truths hundreds of times before, but this time it was different. I cannot explain that fully except to say that the Holy Spirit was drawing me.
And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. [9] But the LORD God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” [10] And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” [11] He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:8-11 ESV)
When I read Genesis 3 now, I think differently about God’s question to Adam: “Where are you?”
Obviously, God knew where Adam was. The question was not for God’s information. It was for Adam.
Adam was hiding,ashamed,afraid,separated…. For the first time of his life.
And honestly, that was exactly where I was too, even if I could not have explained it clearly at the time.
I drove home that night, sat down beside my bed, and finally stopped pretending everything was fine. I had made plenty of empty promises to God before. I had gone through emotional moments before. I had tried short-lived “reforms” before.
But this felt different.
I do not remember the exact words I prayed that night, but I remember the honesty of it. I remember admitting my sin, my fear, my confusion, and my need for Christ. I remember finally understanding that my problem was deeper than bad habits or bad decisions. I needed forgiveness and grace.
I got up- no fireworks or drama- in fact, I just went to sleep.
But when I woke up the next morning, I knew something had changed.
One of the first things I remember doing was telling my closest friends. We were riding around together the next day and I was nervous about saying anything because I honestly did not know how they would react.
Finally I just said it.
“Last night I gave my life to the Lord.”
One of them looked over and simply said, “Cool.”
And then we kept driving.
That conversation lasted about five seconds, but my life had fundamentally changed.
Now, looking back almost five decades later, I understand that night differently than I did at the time. For years I described that experience as a “re-dedication.” But after a lot more Bible study and life experience, I now believe that bedside prayer was actually my conversion. It was the beginning of God opening my eyes to the gospel and drawing me to Himself.
And honestly, that matters because everything else in this series flows out of that first call.
Before vocation-leadership- coaching- failures- teaching- stumbles- marriage- kids…
There was Christ calling me to Himself. That is the primary call.
And unlike jobs, roles, seasons, or assignments, that call does not change.
There have been plenty of ups and downs over these last 47 years. There have been seasons where I drifted, seasons where I misunderstood things, periods of immaturity, pride, poor decisions, and failures that still embarrass me when I think about them.
But the faithfulness of God has remained steady through all of it.
That is probably another thing you understand better backward than forward.
And maybe that is one reason Genesis 3 still resonates so deeply with me all these years later.
God still calls people hiding in shame, fear, confusion, pride, exhaustion, and brokenness.
“Where are you?”
How we answer that question really does make all the difference.
The Bible asks simple but profound questions- another one like it He kept asking Elijah… “Why are you here?”
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